Okay, let’s get one thing out of the way right now. My name is Nathan Anderson. I am not the Nathan Anderson running for mayor in Crossfield. I’m not even related to that Nathan Anderson. He is a hard working, no-nonsense kind of guy. I am… well… a sometimes working, extra-nonsense kind of guy. I live in Irricana. So, good news for Crossfield.
However, as a red neck Albertan with a long history of voting for electoral losers, I feel I am in a unique position to explain to you exactly who makes a good candidate for public office.
The first thing you need to do when looking for a candidate to support is recognize which group of bums you intend to throw out of office.
In Canada, our political system has evolved beyond the archaic “vote for the guy you like most,” system into a far more sophisticated system by which we “vote for the guy who has the best chance of crushing the jerk we voted into office six months ago.”
After you’ve identified the Prime Minister/Premier/Mayor/Trustee/Alderman/Dog Catcher you seek to remove from office, it is time to find your candidate.
It doesn’t really matter if the candidate you intend to support has experience, management skills, oratory skills or a set of values by which they live their life. Really, in Canadian politics, having chromosomes is optional. Take a survey across our country and you will find that Alan Thicke polls ahead of every single federal party leader.
So, what are you looking for?
• Number one – For men, the ability to purchase a boxy Moore’s suit. For women, the ability to purchase a Hillary Clinton-style pant suit. The clothing your candidate wears says a lot about them. The ideal candidate’s clothing says, “I have $78.99.”
• Number two – A candidate must take a stand on the issues. The ideal candidate will be both pro-puppy and pro-kitty and anti-serial killer. Anything beyond that is up for debate. The state of public education? Doesn’t matter. Should public spending increase or decrease? Who cares? Remember this phrase, “The real issue before us, as we enter the 21st Century, is the plight of the puppies being tortured and killed by those gosh darn serial killers. I, for one, am pro-puppy and anti-serial killer. The question remains… why isn’t (insert opponent’s name here) doing anything about it?”
• Number three – Hockey metaphors. If your candidate can’t speak comfortably about the time she “gave 110 per cent in the corners,” “took things one shift at a time,” or “totally Phaneufed Ryan Smyth’s nose,” she is dead in the water.
• Number four – Buzz words. The more, the better. The ideal candidate speaks in jargon indecipherable to the top linguists at Harvard. For example, “We need to facilitate the utilization of imagineering, garnering greater transparency in 21st Century learning in the emerging economic superpowers of India and China.”
• Number five – The ability to think on his feet. Your candidate must remember, when giving a speech, to tell his audience, “I think (insert name of town here) is one of the best places on God’s green earth.” But suppose your candidate is in Crossfield, and accidentally tells the crowd that, “Airdrie is one of the best places on God’s green earth?” This is where the ability to think on his feet comes in. Your candidate must possess the skill and wits necessary to add the word “NOT!” to the end of his statement. For example, “Airdrie is one of the best placed on God’s green earth…NOT!”
I know, I know, it’s tough to find a political candidate smart enough to pull this off. But in the end, it will be worth it. You, as their campaign manager, will play the key role in changing the future of our society… and be first in line for all the kick backs and government perks.
Don’t fret if you can’t find the right candidate. So what if your guy loses? This is Canada.
There will be another election in six months.