Two weeks ago, I posted a poll on the Airdrie City View website: “When does the Christmas season begin?”
Does it begin after Thanksgiving, after Halloween, after Remembrance Day or 12 days before Christmas? The reason I posted the poll was that I could not, for the life of me, figure this one out on my own.
I tend to enter the fall season as a raging humbug. Watching the Calgary Flames find new ways to suck each and every October puts me in a bad mood, and it usually isn’t helped by watching geese fly south for the winter.
However, sometime in November, I usually find myself humming Christmas songs I’ve long since forgotten the words to. With a little egg nog, the Grey Cup, using the fireplace for the first time of the year and more egg nog, the Christmas spirit tends to grow… up until I realize it’s December 20 and I forgot to buy presents for anyone.
So, when does the Christmas season really begin? The people have spoken. According to my poll’s results, none of you can figure it out either.
According to 37 per cent, the Christmas season begins after Remembrance Day. Even in Canada that’s not enough for a majority government. Another 31 per cent say it begins after Halloween, 23 per cent say it begins 12 days before Christmas and nine per cent say it begins after Thanksgiving.
As the results of this poll are binding, it is my job to inform you that ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ is to be wiped from our collective consciousness, to be replaced by ‘The 43 Days of Christmas.’
Under the new rules, we will allow school children to continue singing the popular Christmas song, with a few additions. Here, then, is the new version:
On the 43rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
• 43,000 Airdronians without a hospital;
• While 42 protestors Occupy Calgary and don’t know why;
• There are 41 students to an elementary-classroom;
• And 40 local minor hockey teams short of ice;
• With a 39.6 per cent majority federal government-a-ruling;
• 38 NHL headshot suspensions-a-week;
• Is more interesting than 37 NBA games cancelled;
• Or the 0W-36L Saskatchewan Roughriders;
• 35… More to go…
• 34 RIM executives are fired;
• For 33-hours of Blackberry-outages;
• While a 32-Gig iPhone 4s shuffles;
• We have 31 Republicans candidates-a-Tea-Partyin’;
• 30 thoughts by Elliotte Friedman is 30 too many;
• Airdrie’s 29th mayor is Peter-Brown-in’;
• 28 Days Later… was a good movie;
• I hope the entire cast of Jersey Shore joins the 27 club;
• By drinking 26 rounds of Jim Morrisons;
• 25… This is getting hard…
• Airdrie’s 24th Street needs-a-fixing;
• There are 23 Calgary Flames-a-sucking;
• Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em 22 is getting really old;
• Like Alberta’s 21 new cabinet ministers a-rehashing;
• Canada’s $20 bill is-really-boring;
• And who remembers Canada’s 19th-Prime-Minister?
• Alice Cooper (63) still sings ‘I’m 18’;
• 17 Again by Zac Efron is cheesie;
• 16 per cent U.S. unemployment is scary;
• Big Shiny Tunes 15 would be scarier;
• Alberta’s 14th premier is flip-flopping;
• While Airdrie Thunder No. 13 Ryan Preston is mustachin’;
• There are 12 oilsands upgraders upgrading;
• With 11,000 Keystone XL pipeliners waiting;
• For President’s Obama to give the 10-4;
• While nine state governors are dancing;
• There are eight Wall Street bankers bilking;
• Seven fraudsters skimming;
• That’s why there are six bills I won’t be paying;
• Unless I get five rappers’ bling;
• Four Big Bang Theory nerds
• Are better than Two-and-a-Half Men
• Charlie Sheen can’t buy love;
• … And Katy Perry has less talent than the Partridge Family.
