Gather ‘round the Magic Eight Ball, boys and girls, it’s time for my annual Predictions for the New Year column.
If you missed last year’s edition, here’s how it works: I make a series of ridiculous predictions for the coming year and my all-knowing Magic Eight Ball renders its verdict.
To be fair, my Magic Eight Ball has a sub-par, Calgary Flames-style record. For instance, last year it predicted that Premier Ed Stelmach would fail to get a handle on Alberta debt, but it also predicted the Phoenix Coyotes would move to Hamilton. You win one, you lose one, just like the Flames.
First things first, a little tune up...
Question: Magic Eight ball, are you properly calibrated to make accurate predictions regarding the year 2012?
Answer: Concentrate and ask again.
Q: Hmmm... We might need a little adjustment... Now, Magic Eight Ball, is the sky blue?
A: Outlook not so good
Q: One more tap... There... Now, Magic Eight Ball, will Brent Sutter make it to the end of the year as the Flames coach?
A: My reply is no.
Q: Excellent, it’s now in full working order. OK let’s go... Magic Eight Ball, will the World End in 2012?
A: You may rely on it.
Q: Really? Will it end Dec. 21 as the Mayans predicted?
A: As I see it, yes.
Q: So, will everyone die?
A: No.
Q: Will there be wide-spread destruction?
A: My sources say no.
Q: Wait... will Nickelback release another new album that sounds exactly like every other Nickelback, Default and Theory of a Dead Man album already in existence?
A: It is decidedly so.
Q: So the world won’t actually end, it will just seem like it?
A: Outlook good.
W: Moving on... 2012 is the International Year of Sustainable Energy For All. Is there any chance we will all get sustainable energy?
A: Very doubtful.
Q: In 2012, work will be completed on IBM’s new supercomputer, capable of reaching a peak performance of 20 Pentaflops. Will the U.S. government put its latest contraption to good use for all mankind?
A: Reply hazy, try again.
Q: Will it actually be used to host the new totally-awesome World of Warcraft?
A: Most likely.
Q: In April, the U.S. will cede wartime control of the military of South Korea after 50 years. Does this mean the Korean War is finally over?
A: Yes.
Q: Did we win?
A: Better not tell you now.
Q: Considering how much U.S. debt is owned by China, did China win the Korean War?
A: Most likely.
Q: With the European debt crisis growing, will Germany end up owning all of Europe in 2012?
A: Signs point to yes.
Q: So, 70 years after the Second World War, Germany will own Europe and 50 years after the Korean War, China will own the United States. Does that mean 60 years after Star Wars, George Lucas will own Hollywood?
A: My reply is no.
Q: How about Steven Spielberg?
A: Reply hazy, try again.
Q: Harrison Ford?
A: It is decidedly so.
Q: In August, the Curiosity rover is scheduled to land on Mars. Will it discover life?
A: Without a doubt.
Q: Will it discover intelligent life?
A: Reply hazy, try again.
Q: Will it discover a lost Kardashian sister?
A: It is certain.
Q: Is Justin Beiber’s 15 minutes of fame just about up yet?
A: My reply is no.
Q: Will CTV make him their next news anchor?
A: Yes.
Q: Will Stephen Harper make him a senator?
A: Yes.
Q: Will Disney attempt to patent his genetic material?
A: Yes.
Q: Will he give it all up for a chance at 30 seconds in a closet with some random teenage girl who has a lawyer on speed dial and the world’s most press hungry parents?
A: Yes, definitely.
Q: Because at heart he’s just another stupid teenage boy?
A: It is decidedly so.
