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Provincial government needs a new sloganeer. Pick me! Pick me!

Alberta’s new Premier Alison Redford has announced her plans to ditch Alberta’s current marketing slogan.

Alberta’s new Premier Alison Redford has announced her plans to ditch Alberta’s current marketing slogan.

You know what that means: It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas for thousands of small town Chamber of Commerce organizers and Economic Development Officers. The grand hunt for Alberta’s next great slogan is now underway.

I know that many of you want to know if I am going to throw my hat in the ring, and run for the office of Provincial Sloganeer. I know, it seems like a natural choice, what with my lower than average IQ, smart-ass personality and uncanny ability to stretch the truth like a 35 inch belt around Minister Ray Danyluk’s ample midsection. Why, I’ve already received dozens of inquiries about my intentions.

Because of this, I have an announcement to make. On Tuesday, Oct. 32, I will be making a speech at the Carbon Elementary School, the place where I made my first wisecrack at another’s expense. The topic of my speech will be “Danyluk: Fat Guy In A Little Coat, or Really Fat Guy In A Regular-Sized Coat?”

At this time I will also announce whether I intend to form an exploratory committee (hint, I do) to look into the possibility of (no, it’s a sure thing) whether I intend to run for Provincial Sloganeer.

As many of you know, I have been a vicious opponent of Alberta’s current slogan, “Freedom To Create. Spirit To Achieve.” It has been a complete and total disaster since it replaced “Alberta Advantage” in 2009, and I’m not just saying that because somebody else wrote it.

For one, if you’re going to launch a new slogan in the middle of the worst recession since the 1930s, it’s best to stick with something that has a grain of truth in it, something like: “Alberta: Hey, Where Did All You ‘Rider Fans Go?”

But that’s all water under the bridge. This is the beginning of a new era: The Premier Redford Era. And, despite her tendency to change her mind every five seconds, I think we can safely say that she will be our premier for the next three or four months.

With that sort of steady leadership, she will have time to fully implement my new slogan idea, an idea I intend to campaign for during the next few months.

But why should she hire me?

You see, I wasn’t always the upstanding and successful sloganeer you see before you today.

My roots go back hundreds of years, including some of the most hardcore wise-crackers in the New World.

In the 1600s, when the pilgrims disembarked from the Mayflower, it was one of my ancestors who remarked, “Praise be to God, for delivering us from the religious oppression of the evil English. We must honour the lord, and build a new world free of the intolerance visited upon us by the evil English. Let us begin by naming this region New England.”

My great grandfather moved to Alberta in the late 1800s to work in the slogan mines of Drumheller, where years of back-breaking labour left him bitter and sarcastic, a genetic disorder he passed down from generation to generation.

How could he know at that time, that in 30 years, one of his great grandkids would have the honour of interning at –sigh – sniffle - Mad magazine?

With the experience gained through years of making fun of Ed Stelmach and his gang of Merry Ministers, I can safely say I am the most qualified person to create a slogan that both underscores our efforts to lure international investment, describes our current financial situation and encapsulates the government’s present attitude toward reform.

Here, at long last, is my proposal: “Redford’s Alberta: Spare Change?”

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