Canada’s government has announced it would introduce new polymer bills to replace our aging paper-based bills. Why not update the people featured on our Monopoly money and coins too?
The Queen, Sirs Wilfred Laurier, John. A MacDonald and Robert Borden, as well as William Lyon MacKenzie King are a bit played out. When was the last time any of the figures on the bills did anything of note? Exactly.
With that being said, I propose to you a new series of Canadian currency that has an updated take on the who’s who of our fair land.
Beginning with pocket change:
• The nickel will see the beaver take a backseat to the Albertosaurus dinosaur. The backside of the nickel will just be a larger, scarier version of Albertosaurus’s face. Sorry Nickelback fan.
• On the dime, the Blue Nose will officially be replaced by our country’s greatest basketball export Steve Nash, known for droppin’ dimes for the last 15 years in the NBA. The backside will feature James Naismith, the inventor of basketball.
• The quarter you ask? In honour of a payphone (anyone born after 1996 can Google what that is), Alexander Graham Bell will be the new poster boy.
• The 50-cent piece can remain as is since you only see one about every 37 years in your change. I think there’s a buffalo sword fighting a bear on it or something.
• And the dollar? Our beloved loon has been gracefully swimming in our pockets for decades. Sorry, bird, you’re history. Replacing said waterfowl will be 2002 Olympic co-gold medallists Jamie Salé and David Pelletier, along with fellow loonie Don Cherry.
• The toonie, also known as Canada’s mulligan, will turf global warming’s favourite son, the polar bear, in favour of Keanu Reeves, Canada’s second mulligan. The graphic will be the Canadarm, Canada’s third mulligan. An arm in space? Really, Canada?
Now onto the big bucks:
• Nobody likes it, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re bringing back the $2 bill. And, since we’re bringing it Back to the Future, the Queen has been bucked for Michael J. Fox circa 1985. The bird on it, if you recall, was an American Robin. An American Robin. It should come as no surprise that Doc’s Delorean has replaced the Yankee bird.
• While I don’t mind the $5 bill, Laurier is still gonzo along with his Belted Kingfisher. Say hello to your new fiver: The Hart Foundation. Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Owen Hart, British Bulldog, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and Brian Pillman round out the cast of this awesome bill alongside British Bulldog’s pooch. One in every 10 bills will have an audio button that, when pressed, will say, “The best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be, and you know it!”
• The $10 will boot MacDonald and introduce our 10 Canadian provinces. Clever mottos from each province will be featured. For instance, Saskatchewan’s mantra will read: Saskatchewan – Hard to spell, easy to draw; and Alberta: The southern half is pretty nice. Each bill will feature only one province in a series of 10. Put all $10 bills together and it will instantly transform into a $100 Tim Hortons gift card.
• Featured on the $20 will be a series of influential Canadian bands who have been involved in the music industry for 20 or more years. Move over Queen Elizabeth, you’ve been replaced by the trio of Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson, better known as Rush. Neil Young will appear as a hologram looking like a creep in the top left corner. Gord Downey will be smoking reefer somewhere and The Guess Who will be resting on their laurels of years gone by.
• The $50 is a bill that commands respect, or at least a double take when someone removes one from their wallet. Introducing the new $50 bill: Justin Bieber. There’s no real explanation needed for this. Girls love this kid — he’ll likely be the next prime minister if he runs and his obsessed fans turn 18.
• In honour of our country’s national (winter) sport, Wayne Gretzky will rightfully remove that chump Borden off the $100. The bill will read $99 but is still worth $100. Also, if given to clerk upside down, the hologram will turn into a $66 and Mario Lemieux’s face will appear, still retaining it’s value of $100.
• This list wouldn’t be complete without the infamous $1,000 bill. Our nation’s biggest star, William Shatner, has displaced the Queen, again, from her spot. The portrait will feature Shatner with a wry smile, winking at you. On the back, Shatner will be playing the drums and an adult male beaver will be playing an electric guitar.
There you have it. New money, new faces. Don’t tell me you think the old guard is better.
