It has been pointed out to me, recently, that some of my columns come off as negative by nature. For the record, any of you who think that are wrong and stupid.
However, in case it turns out that I might, possibly, in some universe other than my own, be considered a pessimist, I bring you my positive spin on recent events.
Warning: This list may cause you to smile, revealing your coffee-stained teeth to coworkers. I am not responsible if you lose your job and home due to my positivity.
• Cold weather - The recent drop in temperatures gives us all the opportunity to share “Dad jokes.” For instance: “It was so cold the snowman went inside.” Or how about, “It was colder than a Stephen Harper hug.”
While the cold temperatures did force Environment Canada to issue several severe weather warnings, it also prompted Tim Hortons to event a new coffee size: SuperJumboExtraAwesome. It is roughly 43 times the size of the human stomach and costs less than a single chocolate chip from a cookie at Starbucks.
• Tim Tebow - The no talent hack gives hope to every Monday morning quarterback.
• American Idol - Steven Tyler is back, which is good news for, ummmm, Joe Perry and the rest of Aerosmith, I guess.
• National Liberal convention - The federal Liberal party approved a policy supporting the legalization of marijuana. I can’t wait to see what they approve at next year’s Federal Liberal Convention brought to you by Doritos.
• Beer - The ‘90s boy band Hanson is back! Now that they’re all of legal age (we think) they are releasing a new beer named MmmmHops. Hey, that’s gotta lend credibility to the brewers of Mountain Crest, Alberta Genuine Draft and Black Label.
• Golden Globes - Meryl Streep won Best Actress in a Drama for playing an aging Brit descending into madness. This is great news for Madonna, who plays the same role every day of her life.
• Snow day - Rocky View closed most of its schools, Jan. 18, due to cold weather. It’s a good thing, at the same time the Internet site Wikipedia shut down for 24 hours, making all homework efforts fruitless.
• Space race - The Russian space program ran into a few hiccups recently. A probe hoping to bring Martian rocks back to Earth crashed into the Pacific Ocean. The fiasco cost Russia 1.5 billion roubles. So I guess Lance Bass gets to take the rest of ‘N Sync with him on his next trip to space.
• Pipeline - President Barak Obama officially shot down the Keystone pipeline, this week. Then a group of Aboriginal chiefs voted against the Northern Gateway pipeline. We’re one war with Iran away from $10/litre gasoline. This is our chance to reinvigorate the forgotten form of transport Zeppelins!
• Twitter - I joined the popular social media forum (@albertanate) last week, making Twitter suddenly less cool. Great news for Facebook.
• English language - New words for 2011 included “LOL” and “OMG.” This is great news for those seeking to add the words “TWSS” (That’s What She Said), IONO (Idunnknow) and “DUYFP” (Dude, Use Your Frickin’ Phone).
• Cammalleri trade - Montreal’s recent crackdown on mafia-related activities has all Italian-Canadian residents fleeing the city. For Michael Cammalleri, what better place to enter the witness protection program than back with the Calgary Flames?
• Republican front runner - They say, in politics, that the best candidates are boring candidates. Mitt Romney is so boring, that his Secret Service codename is Mitt Romney.
• Leap year - Giving humanity an extra day to prepare for the 2012 end of the world.
Happy goodtimes!
