Oh, you modern parents.
You think youíre all so original, giving your children these weirdo, misspelled names. But the truth is, youíre all a bunch of sheep.
Thatís the only conclusion to be reached, after reading the lists of the top 100 baby names for boys and girls, given to Canadian children in 2011.
Of course, the top 10 in both categories are filled with names that were once considered trendy, but now seem beyond their best-before date.
Iím willing to bet all the money in my pockets that you know at least half a dozen people from both lists. Local schools are already overcrowded with Emmas, Sophias, Olivias, Emilys, Haileys, Ellas, Lilys, Zoes, Avas and Kaitlyns. There is an overabundance of Liams, Ethans, Jacksons, Jacobs, Noahs, Lucases, Nathans, Aidens, Masons and Logans.
Now, Iím not saying these are bad names. My own name is among them. But when I was a kid, I was the only Nathan within 50 miles. Now, apparently, there are thousands of us, swarming the planet and subjecting the rest of you to our sarcasm.
I get calls and letters every week from people who think I am the same person as Nathan Anderson, mayor of Crossfield. I wish. While heís off flying planes (poorly at times) and sailing from Mexico to Hawaii, Iím stuck here trying to make rhyming jokes involving the name Charlotte (No. 20).
Itís like I need to change my name to Joe Smith to get a little anonymity.
As it turns out, Joe - or Joseph - didnít make the top 100. For that matter, neither did Tom (Thomas), Dick (Richard) or Harry (Harold). Do you know who did? Cohen (No. 35), Luca (No. 45), Matteo (No. 53), Xavier (No. 70), Callum (No. 79) and Felix (No. 95).
As for the girls, there isnít a Carry, Tammy, Joan or Patricia to be found. You know whatís cool now? Brielle (No. 38), Charlie (No. 64), Sierra (No. 80), Danica (No. 83), and of course Nevaeh ñ or Heaven backwards ñ (No. 90).
But if you think those names are a little different, remember there are parents who seem to despise their children when naming them. Here are a few that have made it onto official documents over the years:
ï Jed I. Knight
ï Gaye Males
ï Mister Love
ï Willie Stroker
ï Batman bin Suparman
ï Bread White
ï Clover Field
ï Lust T. Castle
ï Gamble Moore
ï Jermajesty (child of Jermaine Jackson)
ï Wanna Funk
ï United States
ï Lotta Bacon
If you think names donít matter, think again.
According to an article in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, a poorly chosen baby name can lead to a lifetime of neglect, reduced relationship opportunities, lower self esteem, a higher likelihood of smoking and diminished education prospects.
I think most parents would have figured that out, but I guess at least one Canadian did name their kid Dick (Richard) Assman.
However, the best name of all time doesnít belong to a Canuck. It belonged to a Brit.
According to The Sun newspaper, Michael Howard of Leeds had his name legally changed to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards after being charged 20 pounds for a 10-pound overdraft. He closed his account and asked for a cheque with the balance to be made out in his new name.
No word on if his wife decided to hyphenate.
